Thursday, January 11, 2018

PHRASES Only a SOLDIER Will Understand

             
            Hello badasses! There are many sayings/phrases that only make sense to us military members. Here are a few of my favorite:

“Hooah!”           
Needs no explanation if you were in the Army.

“Nut to butt!!”
A favorite from basic training, any school, deployment, or field problem where all the Privates must line up quickly. This phrase is usually yelled by the newest squad leader in the company. The newest team leader will yell, “yeah, make your buddy smile!” shortly thereafter. I really can’t imagine this being yelled today. I know if a woman was in front of me when an NCO yelled this, I would get excited. Sorry, not sorry, nut to butt with a woman turns me on. Deal with it Army. I have no doubt I would get kicked out of the Army today…

“HURRY up”
Must be said menacingly with much emphasis on the word hurry. It is usually said by some sort of instructor to his students because they are moving slower than old people fuck, slower than pond water. The beauty of this phrase is that it can be said clearly through clenched teeth. Any NCO knows how slow privates move. Any private knows how unreasonable that impossible time hack is…so goes life in the infantry…

“What the Fuck, Over!”
Usually said on mission when a cluster has turned into a fuck due to enemy action or a private being a private. Also used when the CSM acts like a senile old fucktard. Example: Stop watching me on ISR, CSM, don’t you have some soldiers with their hands in their pockets you have to harass? 

“If you say hooah one more time I will buttfuck your soul.”
Team leader response to hooah after five years.

“No. We can’t do that because the blimp is watching.”
Fuck that blimp. I got sick of CSM watching me with it. I got sick of the enemy shooting at it. I got sick of the stupid things high ranking officers would do to try to “name” it. As though soldiers who leave the wire every day care about that shit. On our FOB, they placed a ballot box in the chow tent where one could anonymously vote to name the blimp. I only hope when they read the ballots they said things like, “I fucked your mom” and “fuck off.” I know my vote was “I fucked your mom.” Sorry, not sorry for being politically incorrect. Those were different times when men acted like men and not pussies.

“Company layout tomorrow. All the squad’s gear.”
Fuck. Not because I am missing anything but because I will be after this stupid layout. There is no doubt some air items will get stolen from me during the festivities. Especially since the company has them clusterfucked in a pile by the ripped and unlevel pool table in the day room. You know, the one with dark stains from God knows what and crumbs that refuse to come out. Yeah, that is the place I want three sets of M24 binoculars and 10 compasses…nine compasses…fuck. How many was I supposed to have again? Great, I wonder how many I will have to buy this time.

“Red cycle starts tomorrow. Post police call for us. I’ll let you know your AO in the morning.”
Sweet. I’ll spend a day yelling at soldiers to get on line IOT pick up trash. GET ONLINE, STAY ONLINE! NO, STOP GOIN SO FAST, JOHNSON! SLOW DOWN! YOU CAN SEE HOW FAR AHEAD YOU ARE! FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WILLIAMS, PUT AWAY YOUR CELL PHONE! I DON’T CARE IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS PREGNANT AGAIN! BOSTER, STOP FLIRTING WITH THE SOLDIERS’ WIVES AS WE POLICE CALL! GET AWAY FROM THAT DOOR! And that is just the team leaders I am speaking too…

“Please don’t say hooah anymore. Just say okay”
Squad leader response to hooah after about ten years.

“I am so tired of getting fucked by the big green weiney.”
You do get use to it after a while though. You just never get use to the surprise big green weiney. Those hurt the worst because they are giant and studded.

“C’mon BOB. Just come out already.”
Because I am fucking freezing. Apparently, dawn isn’t just when the French and Indians attack, it is also when it is coldest. Yes, I know the science behind it and I do not care. HURRY up, BOB.

“It would behoove you to take copious notes.”
I heard every NCO I have ever had say this, so now I am saying it. How smart do I sound? I bet you didn’t see that sentence coming at the beginning of this briefing. (If you do not sense the heavy sarcasm here, well, it is going to be a tough life for you. I have said this as well. We all did. Instructors are addicted to this saying. Seriously, they have a problem…) 

(Stares in silence)
Platoon Sergeant response to hooah after about fifteen years.

“Aim small, miss small.”
Okay, this one is for my sniper brothers out there. I first heard this before I joined the Army in the movie The Patriot. Benjamin Martin, the main character, tells this to his young sons before he goes HAM. With a simple hatchet, some rifles, a pistol, and some giant pre-American brass balls he kills an entire company of redcoats…and their moms. I didn’t really get the saying at first. Aim small, miss small, sure! Sounds like one of those Forrest Gump sayings that only a retard would get. Then I went to Sniper School and for about a year after that became my answer to everything. Can’t hit the target? Aim small, miss small! Potty training the kids? Aim small, miss small, of course! Wife cheating on you with Jody? Well you obviously didn’t AIM SMALL, MISS SMALL mother fucker! It made sense at the time. I definitely went full retard on this one.

“Did anyone turn on the Duke?”
                Seriously though, does it really matter? On my second tour in Iraq, we had a Duke specialist come in to show us how it works. After a short block of instruction, he grabbed a radio, turned on the Duke, and guess what happened? Yup, you guessed it, radio still worked. What do you think happened next?
A.      He stopped his presentation to figure out why the Duke didn’t work.
B.      He joked that this one must have a problem before troubleshooting the system.
C.      He doubled down by moving to the next HMMWV, turning on the Duke only to have that one fail the simple radio test as well.
If you guessed C then you, my friend, were deployed around the same time I was and just as fucked as I am. I await the day when my lungs rot from the burn pits, or when I turn senile, thanks to the Duke. Remember what that thing did to the electronics in the vehicle when you turned it on? What do you think it did to your brain?

“A YELLOW BIRD…!”
                “…WITH A YELLOW BILL…!” Cadence changed while I was in, big time. I specifically remember a cadence about being president and rounding up all the gays and feminists and killing them around the year 2000. In 2015 I got a “talking to” for saying haj! Fuck sensitive soldiers and fuck political correctness. If you don’t have the stomach to hear off-color jokes, then you won’t have the stomach to go Benjamin Martin on the nations enemies!     

“I’m out! Hooah yourself, bitches!”
Response to hooah after twenty years or on retirement.

“I hope I get chili-mac…”
There will only be one who is eating this at the end of the day. Most likely the squad leader who passed them out. Speaking of MRE’s…

“I’ll trade my main meal for some jalapenos (pronounced ja-lop-en-nose) cheese spread and Skittles.”
                I’ve seen it before. Many have.

“What was your MOS?”
                The first question I ask to people who say they served. It never fails to show the fakers. 11B for me, by the way.

“I miss my soldiers saying hooah.”
Response to hooah after a few months of retirement.




6 comments:

  1. Out-f&@king-standing.

    Had a 1SG that would tell us to report for formation in our “three piece camouflage ensemble with matching black boots”. Army guys are cleverer than most people think.

    Hooah.

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  2. nut to but and make your buddy smile were ones from my airborne days. also got your six, police call, o dark thirty (way before the movie) short timer digit midget were common ones

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  3. Had a CSM tell the guys that fell out of the run to " Make like raisin bran and post" at his office I aboubt died 😂

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  4. After questioning my platoon sergeant, his response - "who's fucking this goat" my response - "not me Sergeant, I'm just holding the tail"

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  5. Not very many know my MOS: 032.27

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  6. What happens under the woobie, stays under the woobie...

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